I get a surprising number of letters from Seeds of Heaven readers. I thought I'd share a few of them with you here:

This letter moved me deeply. I believe it was in response to my article on Homosexuality and Transgender Identity, but the author does not say. The author, who calls himself "George" (with quotes), wrote something that clearly wanted a reply, but when I sent my reply back to him, he'd changed his screen name, and the reply bounced. So, the best I can do is to post his letter and my reply to it here in hopes that he sees it. Here is his letter:

Hello -

I'm 45 years old, and I have only recently realized that I have been in love with a man I have known since high school.

A little background:

I was sexually abused by a man when I was just a child. Fortunately, I was abused only via penis-to-penis friction (what today is known as "frotting"), and not anally.

I would go back to this man for "more," and soon we were having an "affair" of sorts, until I was maybe about 10 years-old. Then I started realizing that what we were doing was "wrong." But up until then, he was the only person in my life who was making me feel good.

I was a beautiful child, with many talents, and my sister was jealous of me, and my father loved me, but he didn't know what to think of me, and my mother loved me too much.

On top of that, I was bullied by many of the other little boys because I always had all the little girls after me.

In fact, before the abuse - and a little bit during, I remember kissing all the little girls and getting erections. And my sexual confusion didn't really begin, of course, until the abuse.

But I later learned that my issue had more to do with violating and upsetting my sexual development, than homosexuality it self.

After I was abused, I started to wrestle naked with my boy cousin, and wrestled to ejaculation with many neighborhood boys - all by rubbing our penises together.

Consequently, in later years, I found it difficult, if not impossible, in insert my penis into a vagina, and have "normal" heterosexual relations.

It wasn't until I started seriously seeing a woman when I was 29-years-old that I first "made love," heterosexually. And that's because she "walked me" through everything. "This is what you do with your finger," "Then you do this," she would say, so patiently and gently.

And that's when I realized that sex had more to do with being intimate and gentle than "having sex" itself.

I didn't know that before. Before that, my sexual gratification resulted from aggressive, friction penis-to-penis orgasm. I never kissed the other little boys, but we "rubbed". I would save the kissing for girls. But I never had sex with them.

Again, not until I was 29. And then my first hetero experience only happened AFTER I learned to forgive my abuser for what he had done to me. And I'll never forget the day that I did.

I was in the tub. I had been "sleeping" with this woman for months. I was making progress with her via her instructions, but I was still unable to insert my penis into her vagina.

Until this one day, in the tub, when I prayed to God, "Dear Lord," I said, "what is it that you want me to do? Everything man that I know has inserted his penis into a vagina. But I haven't. What am I to do? How can I accomplish this?"

Then I heard a voice. Not an "audible" voice, but that "still small voice" that said, "Forgive him."

And I replied, "Forgive him."

"Forgive him," the voice repeated in turn.

And so I did, right there in the tub. I forgave the man that abused me.

The next day, I inserted my penis into that woman's vagina, and ejaculated.

You'd think I would have won a million dollars that day. I was as happy as anyone could be.

And even though I was somewhat of a conservative Catholic at the time, I believe God was allowing me to have pre-marital sex because He knew how important it was for me to have accomplished this "act."

Anyway, that's when I realized, too, that I wasn't gay, mostly because I enjoyed my penis being in this woman's vagina.

Unfortunately, she later dumped me, and I was devastated. She felt that she only played a "healing" role in my sexual life, and it was time for her to part.

As I look back, I'm glad that she did. But again, at the time, I was devastated. So much so, that I never had sex with a woman again. I never had sex with ANYONE again.

Then, a few years ago, my young cousin died at 43. Then, a good friend of mine died at 48. And I realized that time was short, and that I had always had a crush on that friend I have known since high school.

He was beautiful, blond and had perfect abs before abs were invented as they are today. Also, everything he ever touched, seemed to turn to gold. But I never told him anything. One night, we were both shirtless at a friend's house, sleeping over, and I sensed that he would have been open to any advances that I made. But never made them.

Then, 30 years passed, and I realized I still was attracted to him - and that maybe also I wanted not so much to be with him, but to BE him.

We reconnected at a high-school reunion, and we began flirting back and forth, ever so subtly, via email.

He was now married, doing very well, and had two children. One adopted, one by in vitro vertilization, which led me to wonder if he couldn't insert his penis into his wife's vagina.

At any rate, we both pulled away. We were getting too close, and after a few more emails, we would have "done the deed." When I was a kid, all I wanted to do with him was wrestle naked, and rub our penises together. Now, I was actually having romantic feelings for him, as I would with a woman, and I wanted to kiss him - something I never thought about doing with any male.

But as I say, we both pulled away - out of fear, on many levels. Number 1: I did not want to be responsible for the break-up of any marriage. His wife is a beautiful person, and his children are blessed in many ways.

So that was that.

Yet, here I sit, more than two years after seeing him., and I am left pining for him.

How could it be that such feelings could be so strong for so long, after so many years.

What does it all mean?

That's the first part of the main question.

The second part is, if I ultimately decide that I am gay, is that okay with God? And is that the way it's supposed to be?

Beyond all of those questions, I love this man very much, and I would love nothing more to be with him - but only if he were to make the decision to leave his wife and life as it is now, and not because of me.

Your thoughts?

"George"

Here is my reply:

The articles on my site are just the beginning. Over time I hope to more fully develop all the ideas and processes I see and discuss their interrelationships within a larger whole than is understood by modern scientific systems. Without an understanding of chakras, yugas, reincarnation and a host of other deeper principles there is no possibility of a true psychology. Unfortunately the pharmaceutical drug establishment will not allow a powerful system of psychology to develop in the near term. The Transgender article is one pathway to homosexuality. There are many others which need to be explored. Your experience is one of the others.

In a message dated 01/13/2006 11:46:04 A.M. Pacific Standard Time, "George" writes:

Hello -

I'm 45 years old, and I have only recently realized that I have been in love with a man I have known since high school.

A little background:

I was sexually abused by a man when I was just a child. Fortunately, I was abused only via penis-to-penis friction (what today is known as "frotting"), and not anally.

I would go back to this man for "more," and soon we were having an "affair" of sorts, until I was maybe about 10 years-old. Then I started realizing that what we were doing was "wrong." But up until then, he was the only person in my life who was making me feel good.

This clearly is a powerful influential experience which gives the psyche its benchmark to decide how the most important pleasure mechanism is satisfied. It would be more than natural to accept at a subconscious level the association and want more.

Many daughter/father sexual relationships are not necessarily unenjoyed by the daughter (incest) to understand this more fully rent the movie: Bliss . It will explain the above more fully.

I was a beautiful child, with many talents, and my sister was jealous of me, and my father loved me, but he didn't know what to think of me, and my mother loved me too much.

On top of that, I was bullied by many of the other little boys because I always had all the little girls after me. In fact, before the abuse - and a little bit during, I remember kissing all the little girls and getting erections. And my sexual confusion didn't really begin, of course, until the abuse.

Clearly you were on the cusp. You could have gone either way or accepted both in a bisexual resolution if it were possible to do that without guilt.

But I later learned that my issue had more to do with violating and upsetting my sexual development, than homosexuality it self.

After I was abused, I started to wrestle naked with my boy cousin, and wrestled to ejaculation with many neighborhood boys - all by rubbing our penises together.

Consequently, in later years, I found it difficult, if not impossible, in insert my penis into a vagina, and have "normal" heterosexual relations.

At this point your balance and who you are sexually has almost been set. While adolescent experimentation of all kinds is completely normal, in this culture people tend to "grow out" of this and emerge as "completely heterosexual". However trauma, indecision and the confusions created by guilt were operating powerfully with you. Read material about half-breed children who find themselves neither accepted nor rejected by either side of their families. They are tolerated, but, it is very uncomfortable for the people involved. Usually these children avoid both sides.

It wasn't until I started seriously seeing a woman when I was 29-years-old that I first "made love," heterosexually. And that's because she "walked me" through everything. "This is what you do with your finger," "Then you do this," she would say, so patiently and gently.

And that's when I realized that sex had more to do with being intimate and gentle than "having sex" itself.

I didn't know that before. Before that, my sexual gratification resulted from aggressive, friction penis-to-penis orgasm. I never kissed the other little boys, but we "rubbed". I would save the kissing for girls. But I never had sex with them.

What this amounts to is a solution that follows the path of the least resistance. Not too unusual I would think, a kind of middle path that prevents excessive guilt.

Again, not until I was 29. And then my first hetero experience only happened AFTER I learned to forgive my abuser for what he had done to me. And I'll never forget the day that I did.

I was in the tub. I had been "sleeping" with this woman for months. I was making progress with her via her instructions, but I was still unable to insert my penis into her vagina.

Until this one day, in the tub, when I prayed to God, "Dear Lord," I said, "what is it that you want me to do? Everything man that I know has inserted his penis into a vagina. But I haven't. What am I to do? How can I accomplish this?"

Then I heard a voice. Not an "audible" voice, but that "still small voice" that said, "Forgive him."

And I replied, "Forgive him."

"Forgive him," the voice repeated in turn.

And so I did, right there in the tub. I forgave the man that abused me.

The next day, I inserted my penis into that woman's vagina, and ejaculated.

You'd think I would have won a million dollars that day. I was as happy as anyone could be.

This is an extremely powerful discovery. Forgiveness of others is a mechanism of release. It definitely is freeing and an important thing to have in your psychological tool kit, because all psychological healing ultimately involves letting go of the past. Unforgiveness, blame, guilt, and shame are deeply interrelated emotions which keep us attached to old injuries and old confusions.

And even though I was somewhat of a conservative Catholic at the time, I believe God was allowing me to have pre-marital sex because He knew how important it was for me to have accomplished this "act."

I don't know where you are religiously at this time, but I myself am a recovered Catholic. Catholicism and much of Christianity generally is driven cyclically by guilt and repentance. One sins, feels guilty, goes to confession, repents, makes contrition according to what formula the priest prescribes, and then repeats the process indefinitely, until one either dies or recovers from religion. Since most people actually commit very few real sins, such as aggressive actions toward others, it is necessary for religion to condemn the expressions of our natural drives themselves, such as our sexuality.

Your rationalization is a very good example of how the mind deals with what amounts to a cognitive dissonance. It was quite clear to you that the experience was part of your own self-discovery, a piece of the things that would ultimately make you whole. Yet it was condemned by the Church. Yet it directly involved forgiveness and your immediate experience of a higher power. So you recast it in a way that allowed you to validate it, which was necessary, without devaluating the Church, which you were not ready to do. Note that you use the term "pre-marital sex". Yet you never married this woman. You don't mention whether or not you two were engaged, but it doesn't appear that you'd set a date for your marriage or anything that specific. So, rather than thinking God was allowing you to have a sexual relationship with this woman because it was important for your healing, which would be the simple, logical conclusion, but which would deeply counter the teachings of the Church, you recast the relationship as "pre-marital", which, in some ways mitigates the thing for you, almost as if it redefined the act from a mortal to venal sin.

In reality, love is love, sex is sex, and human relationships are the free choice of those who share in them. No organization or religion has any right nor any sane or benign reason to legislate against sex and love.

Anyway, that's when I realized, too, that I wasn't gay, mostly because I enjoyed my penis being in this woman's vagina.

Unfortunately, she later dumped me, and I was devastated. She felt that she only played a "healing" role in my sexual life, and it was time for her to part.

As I look back, I'm glad that she did. But again, at the time, I was devastated. So much so, that I never had sex with a woman again. I never had sex with ANYONE again.

This is not surprising since you had a lot of emotional treasure invested in a specific relationship of dependency. I think emotional issues are like being in the middle of sticky taffy. One needs a solvent to dissolve the stuff. Finding the solvent is the problem.

Then, a few years ago, my young cousin died at 43. Then, a good friend of mine died at 48. And I realized that time was short, and that I had always had a crush on that friend I have known since high school.

He was beautiful, blond and had perfect abs before abs were invented as they are today. Also, everything he ever touched, seemed to turn to gold. But I never told him anything. One night, we were both shirtless at a friend's house, sleeping over, and I sensed that he would have been open to any advances that I made. But never made them.

Then, 30 years passed, and I realized I still was attracted to him - and that maybe also I wanted not so much to be with him, but to BE him.

We reconnected at a high-school reunion, and we began flirting back and forth, ever so subtly, via email.

I'm commenting here because you seem to now be finding a place to land finally. Deciding to accept one specific comfortable position. In the end it all boils down to what makes you the most comfortable. How can you live with yourself in peace.

He was now married, doing very well, and had two children. One adopted, one by in vitro vertilization, which led me to wonder if he couldn't insert his penis into his wife's vagina.

Too bad you were never able to communicate on an exploratory level. It might have answered a lot of questions and resolved a lot of issues.

At any rate, we both pulled away. We were getting too close, and after a few more emails, we would have "done the deed." When I was a kid, all I wanted to do with him was wrestle naked, and rub our penises together. Now, I was actually having romantic feelings for him, as I would with a woman, and I wanted to kiss him - something I never thought about doing with any male.

You seem to have a tendency to focus on specific individuals. That is not a bad thing but you might look at that tendency and see if you can figure out why you can not have a more global expression of your innate need to love and be loved. In the end does it really matter who you exchange love and or affection with? Isn't the ocean full of fish?

But as I say, we both pulled away - out of fear, on many levels. Number 1: I did not want to be responsible for the break-up of any marriage. His wife is a beautiful person, and his children are blessed in many ways.

Again I am commenting because it seems indicated. Your decision was probably good in that spreading pain is not a good thing. It is interesting you had enough self-control to accomplish it. But, that is part of your pattern anyway since childhood.

So that was that.

Yet, here I sit, more than two years after seeing him., and I am left pining for him.

How could it be that such feelings could be so strong for so long, after so many years.

We are in a kind of soup. It is very fluid and our clothes get wet and do not dry easily. You might study the Buddhist concepts that explain attachment and how to cope with attachment. Because that is what it all boils down to in the end.

What does it all mean?

That's the first part of the main question.

Read my article on reincarnatation. it might give you some insight as to your connections with all the most important people in your present time life and fortunately or unfortunately it ain't over with death.

The second part is, if I ultimately decide that I am gay, is that okay with God? And is that the way it's supposed to be?

Find your center whatever it is. God does not care one way or the other, you are one of his children and he loves you unconditionally. But, it is important to you at your deepest level of ability to accept and live with yourself. There is no good or bad life style. What can you accept and live with?

Beyond all of those questions, I love this man very much, and I would love nothing more to be with him - but only if he were to make the decision to leave his wife and life as it is now, and not because of me.

Your thoughts?

"George"

George, it is all up to you, one way or the other, to establish the truth of the situation in the least invasive and traumatic manner. Maybe a good, reputable psychiatrist in a comfortable unintimidating environment might help you find personal closure. Maybe you should also consider being open to relationships with other people and give yourself the opportunity to meet them.

Good luck. I hope the above helps. On another note I'm posting our correspondence in the feedback section of my Web site. I believe your use of a temporary screen name to which I could not reply indicates a desire for me to do so, since there is no other way I could answer your questions. I think your story will move others as it did me and may provide help for some people in similar circumstances, of which there are many. If I am in error here, please let me know and I'll take your letter off the site. I am after all a writer with a message. I need your support through book sales and also word of mouth. If you like what you read here, please tell your friends and acquaintances. Seeds of Heaven can change the world as we know it.

Tito Abao, author Seeds of Heaven

To: tito@seedsofheaven.com
Subject: I loved your book!

Tito:

I bought your book at the Full Circle Psychic Fair last week. Could not put it down. Fantastic story!

Hope to meet you again someday.

Best regards,
Jill

Dear Sir

I have just seen your book on traffic warm and am very impressed. I am not a book reader but am guided to read certain books and feel this book has something in it for me. Just from the pages I have seen on traffic swarm, they fit completely with the beliefs I have attained over many years. For me I find it so rare to find a quality book as there are so many people with such outlandish ideas overactive imaginations that try to make things to complicated when of course they are not as you have shown me in the few pages I have seen from your book.

Raymond

Hi Tito, I heard you on the Jeff Rense program, just checked out your site and ordered your book which I'm very excited to get. I've been doing dream study and writing for twelve years and have touch on many of the same subjects as you. It's quite an undertaking, congratulations and thank you so much for writing Seeds of Heaven.

Peace, Theresa

Greetings from The Ancient One

Hello Tito

I was Exploring Transformational Opportunities in cyberspace when i found the measure of Greatness which is your site. I Enjoyed your Authenticity and Honour your Innate Gifts. Thank you for Sharing your Creative Soul and Expression. I found my visit to your Sacred Vessel Entertaining and Enriching. May the Love of the Goddess Bless You and and may your Soul fly to new Heights.

Michael

I think that you are onto something with the different levels of existence. I believe that the Gospels do lay out the same message as it applies to the physical existence here, and the spiritual world just beyond our ability to perceive it. We cannot progress to the upper levels of spirituality if you are consumed by this world that we live in. The only way to move beyond the physical life, is to long for the spiritual life and love of a better life or realize that we are all of one body. This world is imperfect, and doomed to eventual destruction, either natural, or man made. The only way out is to hope for a better life, and help others to attain that life while teaching that to love this life is be doomed for failure. Thanks for the insight.. Mark

"Joseph "
To: tito@seedsofheaven.com
Subject: Jason and the Argonauts.

Dear Mr.Abao,

I have just listened to your broadcast on the Jeff Rense

I was intrigued by your interpretation of the llyiad and your dreams.

Dear Tito,

I am a Jeff Rense website subscriber and just happened to go back today into the archives and I chanced across your interview 'Seeds of Heaven'. There are some fascinating concepts covered in the interview.

- Jeff in Tx

I am Gabriel and what you are saying is ringing true in all my searches and of all the things i've heard and seen. I believe you may be on to something, i had come to many of the same conclusions by some fate i run across people who find the same and i do believe something is happening and i don't think my being here now in this time is a coincidence nor do i think this world has much time as it is now. continue your work and i will be in touch.

Sincerely

      Gabriel

Donald's first letter, before he read the book.

Donald from the UK

I often listen to Jeff Rense's archived interviews and heard yours the other night. I'm very impressed with what you've undertaken and like Tolkien you are hitting the best seller nerve. Terms like Chakras and Nadis will then enter normal everyday language.

Donald's second letter, after he read the book.

I finished Seeds of Heaven yesterday, all too soon, and am looking forward to the next one.

Donald

My name is Adam and I live in Melbourne Australia. I heard your interview with Mr. Jeff Rense the other day. I'm pleased you wrote Seeds of Heaven. It's needed.

Dear Sir,

      I have found a kindred spirit for I have researched all that you speak of for many decades, and I have come to the same conclusions as you. I have read of the Sumerians, and Sitchin, and have queried many a religious person in the quest of answers and once again I, too, have arrived at the same solutions as you. I have attempted my explanations to the few that have the capacity to understand but I cannot be as precise as you. Keep up the great work and I will watch for an event of yours that I could attend.

Greatly Appreciated,

TJ